(A Post) Out of Love

We all have it. That one thing we always seem to come back to. It can be something we were taught, something we learned, a habit, an obsession, a talent, a hobby, an art, and an old love.

While I spend my summer session trying to invest my time in different activities that range from productive to just plain old fun I find that a lot of my nights are spent in the small gym at my apartment complex. The best workouts are always those conducted alone when no one but myself is there to witness the drops of sweat drip down my face.

It's the nights that I work out (sometimes mornings) that I seem to be the most content. Although when I come back from the gym my sly smile falls on non-existent eyes (because I'm by myself for right now) it's not enough to erase the grin off my face.

When I think about it exercising is that thing for me. That thing that I always come back to. Though it's been a long time since I've worked out this much or this hard it's like my love for it never truly disappeared. While it may seem weird that I'm talking about an action as being a love, turning a verb into a noun, it doesn't seem odd to me. Mostly because I dedicated most of my life playing softball and basketball, running the bases running up and down the court, gearing up for the next game.

Why we ever turn from that one "thing" in our lives I don't know but the greater mystery may be why we come back to it. Here I thought I was out of love with exercising. How quickly one step into the gym can disprove my thoughts.

How To Be Alone

I'm currently in the midst of what I call my "August Solitude." I call it that because well because it's August and I'm all alone in my apartment for the month. Everytime I tell someone this it's always followed by a series of questions of course. Are you scared?!?!? Is it weird?!?! How is it?!?! etc.
No I'm not scared because I believe that if a thief is going to come and rob our apartment they will do so whether there is one person or two people in the place. Therefore another person really gives me no sense of added security. Same goes for a rapist.

Of course being by myself especially at night and such is a little odd but then again being an only child from a single parent household being alone is often the norm. What is it then that makes society frown upon one person living in one apartment all by themselves? Maybe it has to do with the fact that we are taught to fill what's empty. Empty hearts should be filled with love. Empty stomach's should be filled with food. Empty beds should be filled with lovers. Empty printer's should be filled with paper. You get the point.

My grandma was supposed to stay with me for a week but now it seems she can longer do so thus now I will have to continue on with my pattern of living. I shall fill my empty time with productivity, my empty
mind with knowledge, and my empty house with the smell of food being cooked for yes just one person.

"Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept."

Butterfly Kisses

It's hard to say where I will be 10 years from now and frankly it's not much of a priority to try and predict. Wherever life leads me is where I'll be I guess. While I can't tell you about the future I can surely tell you about the past.

Today marks the 10th anniversary of my parents divorce. Truthfully, I don't really have any emotions tied to this event. It was rather just an official stamp on what my mind had already began to grasp long before. Beyond producing a child, in all its glory, my parents were never meant to be in union.
Anyways, its a rather insignificant milestone really except in the fact that my parents divorce marked a shift in my parents roles. When I was young I absolutely adored my father but the day he walked out of our door it marked the end of daddy tucking me into bed, the end of daddy praying with me at night, the end of daddy taking me to school, the end of daddy doing my hair in the mornings. Now it was mommy's turn. There were no more daily butterfly kisses from daddy. Do I love my father? Of course! But once my mom took the dominant parental role it really was "Looking like her momma a little more every day" perhaps even acting like her as well.

I think my mom did a heck of a good job raising me as a single parent for the last 10 years as I can see no real disadvantages that I've had in comparison to my peers who have lived continuously in 2 parent households but there is one thing she could never do. She could never tuck me in and put me to bed the same way my 'ol pops could.