Leaving The Past...

As Charles Dickens once wrote "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it ws the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair."


As for myself 2009 was exactly that. It saw my saddest moments and my most treasured moments. 2009 saw my greatest falls and my greatest triumphs (so far). It was a year of new experiences and exploration. Most of all 2009 has seen the greatest internal change that I've ever experienced.

Tupac once said that "Change is good for any of us" but I'll admit this change has been hard to embrace. I liked who I used to be and while I admit I was mentally immature it seemed to suit me just fine. But I guess it holds true that "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." So while this change I've experienced was unexpected and perhaps even unwanted its exactly what I needed and more. It's been a long 12 months and the only thing that seemed to stay constant was change itself. I would argue that what we view as life is just one big derivative, just a measure of how a function (a person) changes as its input (environment,friends, surroundings etc) changes. Okay maybe that was a bit of a stretch haha. On a serious note though of all the hard lessons I've learned this year, this decade even this one may be the greatest of all. Change Happens.


We all grow a bit older and hopefully get a lot smarter. We all have our good days and our bad days. Our time of joy and our time to cry. What I ask you all is when change, whether grand or subtle, rolls your way what will you do? The choice really is yours but as this decade comes to a close I'm buckled in looking ahead to the future and Leaving The Past "Like a drug addict clean and sober, leavin' the stash."


Goodbye to the decade, goodbye to 2009! and until next year unto you I bid adieu!
Btw this is The Rap Sheet right? I got to stay true to my roots, check the post below if you want to see my favorites in the rap and hip hop game for the year.


-La Rhino


"Some people think I won't make it
but I know that I will
Escape the emptiness
cuz that shit is slow and it kills
the flow and the skill
I made y'all believe that it last
You can make the future
but it starts with LEAVING THE PAST"
-Immortal Technique

Throw It In The Bag...

Yep that's right Throw 2009 in the Bag! Last day of the year and what a year it was!

Throw It In The Bag (Remix)-Can't ever skip over this on my Ipod, the chorus is just too dope


Here are my favorite albums/mixtapes for the year, yes in this order.
1. J. Cole- The Warm Up**** It may not have been THE BEST but for being nothing more than a mixtape it was ridiculous

2. Kid Cudi- Man On The Moon*** While he won't win lyricist of the year, he speaks straight truth

3. Eminem- Relapse**** He's backkkkk!

4. Jay-Z- The Blueprint 3****Good album overall but I want that Black Album Jay!

4. Wale- Attention Deficit****GREAT overall album but still couldn't beat any of the above in my opinion

6. (Honorable Mention) Drake- So Far Gone*** It was good for a mixtape but if he wants me to buy the album personally I'll need a little more than this

Mathematics...

So Week 1 of Winter Break is officially over. This week has been beyond good especially because GRADES CAME OUT! If you've read my past posts then you know I've been seriously thinking about whether I want to pursue dental school or not. I've never been at the top of my class when it comes to science which is why I was a little apprehensive about continuing on with Human Biology. After much thought and consideration I've decided that I am going to commit to pursuing dental school and will continue on as a Human Biology major. After getting my grades I think I've proved to myself that I can succeed in areas beyond my sphere of strengths. The odd thing is that I knew that I could succeed even before this quarter. So if I knew that then why did I doubt myself?

The answer lies in the fact that subconsciously the real question in my mind had nothing to do with dental school but rather I wondered if I could truly "make it." People always talk about "making it" but what does that really mean? Is there some sort of invisible line that once crossed signals that you've "made it." Well since I had some extra time on my hands I decided to do a little research and the results were a bit startling.


 For the City of El Monte which is where I spent a good part of my formative years the statistics for the population's educational attainment is as follows: Less than 9th grade 33.3%, 9th to 12th grade, no diploma 22.5% High school graduate (includes equivalency) 19.9, Some college, no degree 13.1%, Associate degree 4.1%, Bachelor's degree 5.1%, Graduate or professional degree 2.0%


For the nation: 53% of all Hispanics graduate from high school compared to the national average of 68%; in 2005 only 12% of Hispanics had attained a bachelor's degree or higher; As of 2003, 70.4% of all Hispanics over 25 have never attended college; and 13.0% have attended “some” college but not completed a degree.


These numbers don't paint the full picture but it's a little insight into educational attainment in America. I've struggled with the notion of whether I could ever "make it" but when you realize that where I'm from only 5 out of every 100 people ever earn a Bachelor's degree. When you realize that in this country nearly 3 out of every 4 Hispanics never attend any type of college, when you really break down the numbers and mathematics of it all, in a land where education is believed to be greatest gateway to success technically I've already "made it."


-La Rhino

Pursuit of Happiness...

I don't know if there has ever been a song and music video tandem that has ever so perfectly described a feeling that I've had....until now.
It's like I've been on this pursuit lately but I'm starting to wonder if Happiness is something thats meant to be pursued or its merely a by product of our current actions and the situations were placed in. What if its just a by product of an infinite amount of instances? Well I'm not really sure but I'm fairly positive happiness has been lacking from my life as of late. Now when I say I'm not happy that doesn't mean I'm sad or depressed or anything of that nature, I love my life, there's just something that isn't right. I'm just kind of neutral. No smile or frown, I feel like I'm just looking at the world in a blank stare.

 Anyways, I'm almost positive my current confusion is attributing to my lack of happiness. For the past 14 years I've only had one goal and that was to be a dentist. Now I'm having doubts about it. It's not a matter of can I make it to dental school but rather is that what was meant for me? I'm going to take the entire winter break to think about it. Your opinions and advice are always welcome. By Winter Quarter though I will have to make a decision. So stay tuned for that.

On another note, this entire quarter had just been one big ball of confusion. Mainly I'm confused how after spending this entire summer working on "me" after promising to never compromise myself, my dignity, or my friendships again I relapsed. Although those people have forgiven me, I can't seem to forgive myself. Weeks 0-5 of the quarter were amazing but Weeks 5-10 seemed like one huge drug comedown. Big changes will have to be made this coming year I know that for sure I just hope I've built my foundation strong enough to withstand the storms.

In case you want to procrastinate any further than you already are watch this scene from the Lion King. Perhaps the best 3 minutes of my life.

-La Rhino
(p.s. Do you know why the caged bird sings?)

The Light

I realized I haven't posted anything in awhile a) because my life has been consumed by chemistry and b) because I haven't been really listening to rap lately which means there hasn't been any opportunity for a song to spark my interest and make me want to title my blog entry after it.


Don't get me wrong I am still very much in love with the genre and its rhyme schemes, story telling etc. I just find that often take long breaks from hip hop and dive into other genres of music which mainly consists of classic rock/pop from the 60's and 70's. I won't elaborate much more on that other than I highly recommend listening to "Tin Man" and "Lonely People" by America, well that's if you like folk-rock.


Anyways, I thought I'd share the poem I performed at Cup of Culture. It's fairly long (it had to be 3-5 min) but I'm not really sorry for that, so no need for me to apologize. Why lie right?


-La Rhino
p.s. Check out "The Light" by Common down below. It's songs like these that make me giddy inside haha

"The Light"

When I was little and it was about time for me to rest my head

My father would come into my room say a prayer and then tuck me into bed

And right before he left and out of the room he stepped

He would turn on a little light on my outlet

So at night I would often ask about it

Asking “Daddy why do you turn on that funny little light? It’s so I can see right?”

And he would answer, “Honey, this little light will illuminate bright when you wake up in the night and seek to have sight, despite the fact the this room is dark and black”

So I would look at him and wonder “Why did I need a little light? I had no intentions of waking up in the middle of the night”

I tried and tried to understand but my feeble mind just couldn’t

And then one day I woke up and I finally understood it

See we are the light that illuminates bright when people wake up in their life and they seek to have sight despite the fact that this world is dark and black

We are the light that can eradicate poverty

That makes the thief give back all he stole in the robbery

The type of light that radiates with honesty

That lets the rich and poor alike know that going to college is not a novelty

We are the light that with just one flicker can make the world quiver and shiver so bad

That in one snap we change erase the words Hitler and Nigger from our vocab

We are the light that can outshine the divisions of classicism

No schisms of the rich and poor

The type of light that makes wisdom seep out of your pores

That travels at yes of course 2.99 times 10 to the 8^th power

The same source of energy to every living flower

But not the flowers that are found to spring from out of the ground

But the flowers that are raped by cowards and whose only sound is a scream so profound

We are the light that says "Young flower blossom and a queen you shall be crowned"

We are the light that can teach our generation that life is not about flirty thongs and bongs

The type of light that’s epitomized in a Journey song, but its not the “Lights that will go down in the city”

It’s the husbands and fathers who ever told their wives and daughters they were anything less than pretty

See it’s you and I who can make ignorant men turn wise

Then make all the Jews who were burned in the genocide

Raise from their graves to the ceilings of the sky

Then promise to make a change because to mass killings we shall no longer turn a blind eye

We are the light that can make AIDS just a distant disease of the past

Then make hate a plague whose existence is ceased as soon as our light is flashed

We will give off Luminous energy and our mind will be in a near state of reverie

Dreaming how what we do today can make life brighter for our children in the next century

We are the light of different colors that refracts from a prism

That reminds our inner-city sisters and brothers they were not meant for over packed prisons

So hear these words in fact I beg you to listen

To these blurbs on the page that are written and that I now recite

So I say it again, We are the light that illuminates bright when people wake up in their life and seek to have sight despite the fact that this world is dark and black

But I know what you’re thinking If we are the light and the spark then why is this world still blind and dark?

Because we have yet to wake up and turn on the light that’s inside our heart

My Life...

"Sometimes I look at my life with my face down/ Then I see my sons and put on the Kanye smile" -The Game, My Life

When it comes to the college life things seem to be so fast paced. There is always something that needs to be done. Because of this if something doesn't go as planned I often see people start to freak out and let a minor speed bump turn into a 4 car crash at a stoplight. I am no exception to this. I always seem to let both the little and big things get me down. Although I try not to stress over small things stressing always seems inevitable.


When it seems that nothing can make me pick my head back up I see my cousins and my spirits are lifted. Although when I visit them they are a bit loud sometimes screaming and maybe even crying it's quite clear that not only do they understand the idea of fun they have no apparent worries. Their playfulness and ability to use their imagination brings a huge smile to my face. While they may be young and naive, while they may fight or who's bouncy ball it is not realizing that there are millions of soldiers fighting and dying in wars, I think its the children of this world that can teach us adults and near adults a thing or two.


I wouldn't advocate embracing their naïveté but I would advocate that sometimes we take a step back and allow ourselves to be childlike. That we stop worrying so much about our grades. That we stop whining that what we ate today is going to make us gain ten pounds. That we stop stressing over things that we have no control of. That we not allow ourselves to focus so much attention to what's wrong with our life that we forget to count our blessings, that we forget to have fun and enjoy the company of our friends and family. Most importantly I would advocate that we take a step back and not get so worked up over what our mind perceives as reality that we don't take the time to explore our imagination and dreams.


I was once a child and when I was 5, I dreamt of being a dentist. I could close me eyes and see myself in that bright white coat. Nearly 15 years later I've pursued that dream, I'm in a near perfect position that will allow me to fulfill it, yet when I close my eyes I see the hard classes that I will have to enroll in, I see that struggle of applying to dental schools, I see the long nights ahead of me, I see the competition, and I fear the possible failure of my life's greatest ambition. But then I open my eyes and I see my young cousins and am reminded that like them I need not worry about failure. I need to keep pursuing my purpose and the dreams of my childhood years despite the fact that failure is possibility. As Survivor once sang, "Don't lose your grip on the dreams on the past, You must fight just to keep them alive." Perhaps the biggest failure would be to let that little girl inside me down. To not give her a fair chance at seeing her dreams realized. 


It's like I see my cousins faces and their glowing smiles and all I can do is smile back. Every time I see them it's like the child in me is resurrected and that little girl reminds the older me to cut back on the worrying and stressing, to have fun, to let my imagination run wild, and of course not to "think about My Life with my face down" but instead pick my head up and live out my dreams.


-La Rhino

One Mic...

"All I need is one mic.. f*** the cars, the jewelry/ All I need is one mic.. to spread my voice to the whole world"- Nas, One Mic


So this past week Revellations the organization I co-chair had an event called "I Am..." which was an event centered around self-expression. As a natural introvert, I usually write poems solely for myself in order to release this excess energy that gets built up inside of me. Throughout the day if anyone ever observes closely I often am mumbling under my breath and reciting my own poems, not because I think they're that good but because I find that its the first thing that pops into my head and also because I find them the most relatable to my life but thats obvious since I'm the one who wrote them. 


Well for this event I was encouraged by others to actually read my poems out loud. Now I was a bit apprehensive at first because for one I'm not one to open up about myself to others and two I don't consider myself a natural public speaker. Thus combining the two just seemed like a recipe for disaster. Well eventually I decided to do it and much to my surprise it went rather well (One of the poems I performed is posted below). I don't think I wrote that SUPERB of a poem or even conveyed GREAT oratory skills but the reason I think it went well was because not only did I prove myself wrong but I was also able to see the amount of growing I truly have done. I remember as a freshman in high school I was extremely fearful of public speaking. One time we had to recite 10 lines from a Shakespeare play and when it was my turn to go up I recited half of the lines only to get stuck in the middle, turn red as a tomato, and eventually get an F. 


Now through many pep talks from my mom I eventually got over my fear of public speaking and would often volunteer to go first but there was always that little voice in the back of my head telling me I couldn't do it. The little voice that reminded me of that day in freshman year when with a flushed face, shaky hands, and a nervous voice, I embarrassed myself in front of the entire class. 


After this event I realized that I nor anyone else should hold themselves to the standard of who they once were. So what if I was deathly afraid of public speaking, so what that I always used to be the shy girl in the class, so what if I was deathly afraid of being a leader. What matters is the "now", the present and today I AM not afraid of public speaking, I AM not Ms. Shy who hopes not to get noticed, and I AM not afraid to be a leader. 


I've realized that we can turn any weakness into a strength and a positive through a little persistence and hard work. We often find that there is a pit that we our afraid to jump into not realizing that in this pit is both our greatest fear and our greatest dreams. I've jumped into the pit, wrestled the lion that is public speaking and now have him chained. Now it's time to tackle my greatest dream which is to become a dentist and (through public speaking) become an advocate of the poor and underprivileged. 


Like Nas once said, "All I need is one mic" to prove how much we can grow if we take the time to conquer our fears, "All I need is one mic" to know that no matter the obstacle WE CAN fulfill any dream, and of course "All I need is one mic.. to spread my voice to the whole world."...Next speaking event CUP OF CULTURE!!


-La Rhino



One of the poems I performed:
I AM not a number or just another statistic


But I WONDER do you look at my skin color and label it as just another characteristic...or do you judge me


I PRETEND it doesn't bug me but it does because


I FEEL I am constantly judged by the roots of my blood as if I was born to fill the shoes of my father and be a user of drugs, but to tell the truth I just want to distribute the love


I CAN be anything I want is what my mother said, as long as my heads in it...but how can I know that she truthfully meant it when I look at all the faces of my doctor's and dentists and I don't see the resemblance


So it's like I WORRY at night that if I don't fit the stereotype of what it means to be "ethnic," I'm going to make to the top only to be rejected, labeled a sell-out never to be accepted


So I CRY when I think about all my mother gave, nearly sent to her grave, for it all to be in vain because her daughter's constrained by the thought that "She's brown she bound to be a maid"


I AM Mexican and proud and that's a fact but I still feel society's trap looming on my back because they say what I'm supposed to be is just another ho on the street


So despite the stereotypes I TRY to remind myself that smoking doja is not in my culture, we are more than being poor Catholic soccer fanatics, more than alcoholics and addicts, we are Aztecs with the smarts of a militant, not born to work at Wal-mart of be an illegal immagrant


In my heart I HOPE to be the spark that ignites my people that we are equal. Let them know that the pipe dreams can become realistic with a little persistence


I AM Mexican and proud, but in case you missed it I AM not and never will be a statistic

Mistakes...

I've come to realize that the hardest part of my college experience has thus far been not having my mother here right by my side. Now I don't mean that in the sense that she can no longer cook me food, wash my dishes, do my laundry etc. I mean that she is no longer here to just talk to in person, she can no longer comfort me physically, I no longer have her here to guide me day by day, to give me advice at the dinner table, and most of all to keep me from making mistakes. And Lord knows now that over the past year and a half that I've made my share of mistakes. 


 Some mistakes have been minor and some quite major. Some have cost me nothing and others cost me more than I could have ever imagined. Although I can blame some things on others for the most part each mistake has been a direct result of my own irresponsibility. Honestly, I feel as if my mother were right here by my side I would have never dived into such depths of reckless behavior. Even so, I believe a necessary part of growing and maturing is that one can let go of their parents hand and walk on their own. (Sidenote: My grandma this past Monday had a dream of me letting go of her hand and getting lost in a store which caused her to start yelling and yelling my name because she was so scared to lose me, is this all related? I don't know) It is not NECESSARY to make mistakes as you journey on but I don't believe you can ever know what is right unless you know what is wrong.

I know many of my actions of the past year and a half have been wrong and have caused me to wrong those that are closest to me and for that I feel terrible. Nevertheless, I have committed wrong-doings but I do know what is right and what IS necessary. It is necessary that I not only own up to my actions but also rid my life of those things that hinder me. No matter what I've done I know I can look forward to tomorrow with eagerness because as the woman who was accused of adultery in the Bible, Jesus does not condemn me and wants me to "Go now and leave [my] life of sin."

Although my mother is not here to hold my hand anymore she has taught me among other things that I am not defined by my mistakes, I can succeed, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and that I AM MORE than a CONQUERER. And to prove my mother's teaching were not in vain I shall overcome all my mistakes and one day become living proof that God can use anyone to advance his kingdom.


-La Rhino


 "Some people learn from mistakes and don't repeat them
Others try to block the memories and just delete them 
But I keep them as a reminder they not killing me, 
And I thank God for teaching me humility"
- Immortal Technique

We Want Eazy

So this past week I took a break from studying and watched a CNN special called "Latino in America." Now I have a lot of opinions on what it means to be "Latino in America," some that differed from the special and some that matched but after watching the special one thing in particular stood out in my mind...It's too easy. It's too easy to sit on our couches and watch other people's lives being told. It's too easy for us to sympathize with their story yet get up, turn off the television, and continue on with our lives. It's way too easy to for us as nation and especially for those who are Latino in this nation to not do anything about the injustices that have occurred and continue to occur in these peoples lives. This special and others like it were ultimately created not to entertain us but to educate us. They are created to educate us and show us that for many in America the so called "American Dream" remains just that... a dream. As easy as we make it to forget about stories of hardship, as easy as America makes it to dream, and as much as we have become such a "take the easy route" society,  how come we have yet to construct an easy method to achieve the all elusive "American Dream?"


Anyways I realized that I've been so busy that not only have I not written any verses lately but I haven't even thought of topics to write about. So I thought I'd finish an old verse that I started about a year ago.  Oh JUST to be clear, I'm not bashing the idea of the American Dream I just wish we didn't give our lives trying to be "rich" and at the same time miss out on all the riches around us. I wish that we didn't give our all just trying to "make it" that we forget to see how far we've come. Ultimately I wish that we didn't slave to pursue our American Dream and try to attain "happiness" and subsequently become blind to the small things in life that make us happy. But I guess not having to wish would just be to Eazy.

"The American Dream"

The American Dream where do I commence?

It seems we all aim to live behind the white picket fence

My state of mind might be pretense

But we all seem to seek for something of that sense

It appears we all want to strike it rich yet still avoid the diligent niche

we want C.R.E.A.M.

So it seems the American Dream is like the equivalent of a hit to a heroin fiend

But don’t mistake my words for being fake or absurd

Don’t hate- they’re straight facts

Cuz Steinbeck told ya’ll suckas way back

“In the souls of the people the grapes of wrath”

Woah…Hold up let me rewind cuz by the looks of your eyes

its looks like you looked in the eyes of two crooks in disguise

I’ve had you bemused and confused since the reference to the book in that one line

What I’m saying…is simple and plain, no confusion of any kind

Don’t become a slave to the illusion in your mind

Let your imagination run wild, let it dream and fantasize

Yet to give your young life to a nation-wide lie is infanticide

By all means keep the pipe dreams alive and stay on your grind

But I attest that to chase a broken promise of prosperity is a crime

Which is why the American Dream may be the biggest parody of our time

-La Rhino

Fighters...

Have you ever gone to take a test, felt like you were fully prepared, yet your results tell a different story? Today, I fall into such a category. For the past 4 weeks I have put every ounce of energy and time into my Chem 6C class. I've gone to every lecture, I've taken an absurd amount of notes, I've done all the homework, I've gone to my professor's office hours atleast once a week, and that only begins to scratch the surface. So naturally I thought that if I could get A-'s and B's from doing very minimal work in previous classes then surely I am bound to have an A with all this extra work I've been doing. So now for the first time in my chemistry career I went in to take a test feeling that I understood ALL the material. So if I had put so much effort into learning the material why did I get below the average? And why do I feel like such a failure?

After pondering on these questions for a bit I've realized that college is nothing short of a battlefield. Even with all your armor on, even with all your weapons, even when you feel you are fully prepared for battle your opponent will still manage to rough you up a bit. As in a battlefield you are bound to get bruised, bound to have scars, bound to have wounds. Even so, should this deter you from entering the battlefield time after time?....NO!

I've realized that the true measure of yourself is not how well you perform on a test but rather that time and time again you show up for the test. You put yourself out there. Despite all the previous "bruises, scars, and wounds" you continue to work hard, you continue to step onto the battlefield and fight on the front lines. Test after test after test, battle after battle after battle, you are there ready to give 110%. You become the epitome of a true fighter.

I know it's hard to continue to fight and continue to work hard when your peers who have undeniably put in less effort seem outperform you. I know it's hard when the rewards and results don't match the effort and time you put in. I know it's especially hard to continue to fight when all you really want to do is go out and have some fun, live care-free. I know it's hard but honestly as for myself I rather fight on and one day get into dental school/med-school feeling like a true champ, like a true warrior. Thinking "College may have beaten me up beyond belief but I still made it, scars and all." Scars simply mean experience and there is nothing like the experience of a Fighter.

-La Rhino

p.s. In case you are wondering I don't feel like a failure anymore. I did end up knowing the material for my chem test I just spent too much time trying to solve one problem. As it turns out that one problem's real answer was not one of the listed answers.

The Title of this Recital is "Ladies First"

We've all heard it right? LADIES FIRST. I don't mean just the song but the phrase. Of course we have. It's a phrase that conveys politeness. A man is considered chivalrous when he says "Ladies First". But let's probe a little deeper.


In my poli sci class we've been studying the subjugation of women and feminism. Which led me to think of our society's view on what femininity is. Historically, our society has taught us that a woman is delicate, emotional, she should be the head of the kitchen, the ones to raise the children, the receiver of material items rarely ever the giver. Naturally, I've tried to compare myself to society's standards. Do I meet the expectations? Do I fulfill all the requirements society's outlined as to what it means to be feminine? girly even? The answer is well not really. And that's okay with me, honestly.


A friend recently told me that we were probably twins in a past life she was just the more girly version. The truth is she's right, well about the girly part, and I'm totally accepting of this fact. (sidenote: It actually made me quite happy that in some way or another that people can relate to me.)The fact that other girls may be more feminine than myself is not my concern. My question is How did I ever get to be this way? If society breeds us to think that women should have certain characteristics, that women should display a certain level of femininity then something must have happened that deterred me from meeting these so-called standards. Something that made me the exception rather than the rule.


I sat and thought about it for a moment and then alas it dawned on me! Now the following may be inappropriate for a personal yet public blog nonetheless based on experience I've found that hiding who I am and what I've been through does me no good. So as I was saying, IT DAWNED ON ME! At roughly 6 or 7 years of age my best friend who was around 12 at the time essentially made me take off all my clothes....in front of him. Now he never laid a hand on me, he never did anything physically but he didn't need to. Just that small glance before I pulled up my clothes and ran home was all that was needed to forever change who I was. After that, slowly but surely I began to hide. At 6 years old I wasn't quite ready to be exposed in such a way. Not long after I began to deliberately wear unflattering clothes. Big sweatshirts, unfitted jeans. I wore my hair up and never let a dust of make-up ever touch my face. Now as I've gotten older things have slowly begun to change and I've become the person I was made to be.


Yet even as I shed my former self it seems that there will always be a few remnants of the Ryann that used to hide. Even so I'm encouraged that one day I may become a living testimony for anyone who has ever experienced such pain. For I know that my Lord can turn any trial into a testimony. So in my life I may never be the most girly, the most feminine, and I may never fully comprehend the idea of "Ladies First" but in my heart and soul it will always and forever be "God First."


-La Rhino

Things Done Changed

My Letter to my Mother....

 "October 8. Just another day? Perhaps. But to me it holds extra special weight. It is a day that I can celebrate my mother, celebrate her struggles and triumphs. A day that I can look back to 2004 and see just how much God can transform lives.


October 8 will forever be the day my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. As I look back to that day 5 years ago I realize how much our lives have truly changed. Back in 2004 I was just a freshman in high school, still trying to develop a personality and truthfully just trying to figure out who I was and who I wanted to become. You were just a single mother, trying to make ends meet. Now it's 2009 and both our lives seem to be drastically different. In the past 5 years I've graduated from high school, moved out of the house, went away to college, finished my first year at UCSD, and have moved one step closer to fulfilling my dreams. You've graduated from a university, celebrated your 20th year at Wells Fargo, found the man of your dreams, and have moved out of the house you worked so hard to build.


Sometimes I think back and wonder what did you do to deserve to be stricken with cancer. Maybe that's exactly the point. You didn't do anything to deserve it, it just happened and we have to accept it. For in the Bible it says, "In the world you will have tribulation."  So in the end, we may not have a clear cut answer as to why you were diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 34, we may never know why you had to endure countless rounds of chemo, why you had to lose all your hair, why you had to race from work to radiation sessions for nearly two months. But I take heart in knowing that through this experience and over the past 5 years our lives have changed for the better.


Before I wrap this up I just want to say THANK YOU MOM! Thank you for putting your dreams on hold at the age of 20 so you could raise me, thank you for taking two jobs so I can attend the best schools, thank you for doing everything in your power so I could have my father in my life, thank you for letting me travel to see the wonders of the world, thank you for going through chemotherapy so I wouldn't have to live without my mother, thank you for coming to watch nearly every softball/basketball game, thank you for letting me dream, thank you for taking out the loans to send me to a top university, thank you for showing me that there really "Ain't no mountain high enough," and most of all THANK YOU FOR BEING AN INSPIRATION, not just to me but for all those people who have ever been in your situation. For all those who saw themselves as just another poor girl from El Monte. 

                      (Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, 26 miles) 
Enjoy your day! Congrats on becoming an Official Breast Cancer Survivor! and like you always tell me Continue to kick a$$! 
Love always,
Ryann Elizabeth Vasquez"


"My Momma got cancer in her breast/ Don't ask me I'm motherf*****' stressed, things done changed" -Notorious B.I.G.

C.R.E.A.M.- Cash Rules Everything Around Me

We've all heard it "C.R.E.A.M.....Cash Rules Everything Around Me." Such a great song by one of the all time greatest groups to ever touch a mic. Yet have we ever stopped to think how true this saying is? How money really does rule every tangible thing around us. You wouldn't even be reading this if it wasn't for the MONEY that bought the computer or cellphone you are using to view this. Nowadays we can't eat without money, we can't drink decent water without money, we can't live in a house without money, we can't even become educated without money.


We spend the majority of our days either making or spending the dough and as much as money makes the world go 'round it's that very same money that keeps us down. Some of our brightest and most intelligent children are deprived of any education past high school because they simply DON'T HAVE THE MONEY. Most of us won't ever have the chance to personally view all the wonders of the world because we simply DON"T HAVE THE MONEY. Sadly, most of our dreams will never become reality because we simply DON"T HAVE THE MONEY.

Now I'm not saying that we should totally eradicate the monetary system we have in place and go Communist, what I am really getting at is this simple question. How did something so simple as money, created by humans as a medium of exchange come to be such a dominant aspect of our society? Now I don't have the answer to this question and maybe I never will but all I'm asking is that when you're buying your hundred dollar jeans, driving in your multi-thousand dollar car, living in your million dollar world you think about what money means to you. Cash may always Rule EVERYTHING AROUND YOU but hopefully you won't ever let it RULE YOU because I promise that of all the money you make in this life none of it will follow you into death. 


-La Rhino

Summer Summer Summertime, time to sit back and unwind

Summer's over.

It's hard to imagine that it truly is over and that I'm just around the corner from starting my sophomore year in college. As I sit and reminisce I'm reminded of that day back in June when my parents came to help me move back home. The official start of my summer. I think back to the condition I was in. I had been moderately depressed since the end of my senior year in high school yet was unaware of it because the way I felt had become such a constant in my life that I had no recollection of what it meant to be joyous. Then spring quarter started and my life became nothing short of a hurricane. I become the poster-child for what it meant to be severely depressed.

Thoughts about childhood turmoil came back to haunt me and as a result I began to lose all control of myself. My only wish and prayer was to escape this world. I wanted nothing to do with it. I would jokingly tell me suitemates that "I wanted to die" and little did they know that I really did. As a result of this year-long depression and I all the actions I took because of it I lost my best friend, I lost a part of my dignity, I lost the trust people had in me, and that only begins to scratch the surface. Every little piece of dirty laundry about my past that I had so desperately tried to hide from the world came out at the blink of an eye. I had worked hard to build strong friendships, I had worked hard to have A's in all my classes so that when finals rolled around I wouldn't be stressed beyond belief. Yet I blew it and that's not something that I can blame on anyone or anything but myself.

As I think back I realize how much has changed since the last time I stepped foot in Revelle College. I'm no longer on an never ending hunt to "feel good" because I've learned that nothing will ever compare to how good it feels to know that God is crazy for me and that he has a "hope and a future" for me. I'm no longer plagued by old thoughts of past tribulations because I know my God can use our humanly mistakes and the poor decision's of others for the advancement of his kingdom. I am not who I once was and I hope everyone who was impacted by my actions knows that I am truly sorry.

3 months ago I desperately wanted to die and maybe a part of me did but what was re-birthed in me was something not even my wildest imaginations could conjure up. The Joy of the Lord now lives in me.
So I guess what Steve Miller once sang about is true, "You know you got to go through hell before you get to heaven."

So here's to a new beginning, to the second year of college, and to a second chance at life!

Rapper's Delight

Although my blog was created with the intention of covering a wide array of topics, and it will, I thought I'd dedicate the first post to my rapping/writing seeing that my blog is called "The Rap Sheet." 

I'm not trying to fool myself, I know as a rapper I'm not very good. No one is going to give me a record deal anytime soon, no one is going to pay me an insane amount of money to lay a verse down for them, heck I don't even think I can be considered as having anything close to a "rap career." Yet despite these facts I still continue to write. I know many people probably have and will laugh at me. I mean let's be real I'm a 19 year old Hispanic female who goes to UCSD, is studying to become a dentist, and has spent the last 10 years living in Diamond Bar aka Lil' Asia. I'm not exactly the typical "rapper."

So then what is it that keeps my pen on the pad? What keeps my little head spinning, thinking of new topics, new rhymes? Honestly, I don't think I even have an answer for that. What I do know is this, that I have an undying passion for it. I feel a connection to the words of Rakim, to the words of Ice Cube, the words of the Wu Tang Clan and it's their words that make me want to turn around and do the same thing. To put my feelings to words. 

Although I know that I'm only mediocre at best when it comes to rapping and rhyming and will forever remain just a hobby. I am encouraged and encourage others to continue to pursue their passions and to be persistent, because one day you may stumble upon something that not only are you passionate about but you are actually good at. And it may just be that little hobby, that little spark of interest that takes you to heights you've never dreamed of, aids you in meeting people that will make you wonder how you ever lived without them.....In case you're wondering I have found that passion, and no it's not rapping. 

A little sample of my rapping/writing...

I was born nothing more than a consequence to a simple mistake

but when I die the world will know they’ve never seen something this great

See ya’ll suckas philosophizing asking Do we really exist?

Maybe our life is nothing more than an illusion imbedded in a molecular mist

But I’m just forced to think that that’s just an idea of the secular and misguided rich

Because you’ll know this life is real when you see the suicidal slits on my wrist

And even then I’m forced to appeal the idea that life is just a Survival of the fit

Because then how do you explain the arrival of a child to someone who was once terminally sick

Or the walking of a patient who was forced to stay idle, told that on a wheelchair they will eternally sit....(to be continued)

-La Rhino