Summer's over.
It's hard to imagine that it truly is over and that I'm just around the corner from starting my sophomore year in college. As I sit and reminisce I'm reminded of that day back in June when my parents came to help me move back home. The official start of my summer. I think back to the condition I was in. I had been moderately depressed since the end of my senior year in high school yet was unaware of it because the way I felt had become such a constant in my life that I had no recollection of what it meant to be joyous. Then spring quarter started and my life became nothing short of a hurricane. I become the poster-child for what it meant to be severely depressed.
Thoughts about childhood turmoil came back to haunt me and as a result I began to lose all control of myself. My only wish and prayer was to escape this world. I wanted nothing to do with it. I would jokingly tell me suitemates that "I wanted to die" and little did they know that I really did. As a result of this year-long depression and I all the actions I took because of it I lost my best friend, I lost a part of my dignity, I lost the trust people had in me, and that only begins to scratch the surface. Every little piece of dirty laundry about my past that I had so desperately tried to hide from the world came out at the blink of an eye. I had worked hard to build strong friendships, I had worked hard to have A's in all my classes so that when finals rolled around I wouldn't be stressed beyond belief. Yet I blew it and that's not something that I can blame on anyone or anything but myself.
As I think back I realize how much has changed since the last time I stepped foot in Revelle College. I'm no longer on an never ending hunt to "feel good" because I've learned that nothing will ever compare to how good it feels to know that God is crazy for me and that he has a "hope and a future" for me. I'm no longer plagued by old thoughts of past tribulations because I know my God can use our humanly mistakes and the poor decision's of others for the advancement of his kingdom. I am not who I once was and I hope everyone who was impacted by my actions knows that I am truly sorry.
3 months ago I desperately wanted to die and maybe a part of me did but what was re-birthed in me was something not even my wildest imaginations could conjure up. The Joy of the Lord now lives in me.
So I guess what Steve Miller once sang about is true, "You know you got to go through hell before you get to heaven."
So here's to a new beginning, to the second year of college, and to a second chance at life!
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